Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
