he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
