i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
