I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
