I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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