I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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