there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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