I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
