FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
