it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
