he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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