i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
