Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
