i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
