I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
