Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
A+ Viking dick
Randomize
