just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just forgot I was standing up.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
