I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
