So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
