Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
