I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
