and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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