remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Someone came in the potted fern
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
