remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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