highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
