So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
