Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
