i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
