I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
