If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
