There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
