if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
