Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
