Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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