Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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