I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
