So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
