my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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