Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
