I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
