Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
