Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
