i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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