he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
