Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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