I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
