some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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