she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
