Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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