This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
